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When I was in eighth grade, my
English teacher involved the class in a discussion about the Holocaust after
reading The Devil’s Arithmetic by
Jane Yolen. In this story, a Jewish teenager from the present is taken back in
time to experience the Holocaust. This girl knew when she was put on a truck
with dozens of other Jews that she would be taken to a Nazi concentration camp and
tortured. My teacher asked us if we would rather know exactly what terrible
things were to happen, or if it would be better just to be unaware of what was
occurring. The class came up with a variety of answers, mostly indecisive, and
I do not remember if we ever came to a conclusion, but now I am beginning to
believe that ignorance really is bliss.

The other day I discussed
endings. I recently came to an ending in my own life, but it was not an abrupt
ending. Somehow, I knew that it was coming. Of course, I did not want to come
to this point, so I kept denying it and trying to make things better. My
efforts were futile, and I quickly found myself in a situation I had hoped
would be avoided. When I finally came to terms with what had happened, I told
myself that my previous worries and fears had prepared me. My premonitions were
able to quickly bandage the wounds inflicted by the ending. Somehow I believed
that, with my knowledge of what was to come at the end of my truck ride, I
would be able to build up strength enough to withstand the horrors of this
concentration camp (if I may be allowed to exaggerate).

Now I have found that I was
wrong. I was not able to fortify my emotions to face my ending. In fact, I
continuously think back to everything I did or did not do and try to determine
what went wrong. Was it something I did? Were my fears fulfilled simply because
I was afraid?

At this point, I do not think I
will ever find the answers to these questions. But, I do believe that God
wanted me to know that a change was coming, and I can take comfort in that. God
always wishes the best for His children. He loves us and wants us to trust His
judgment. He has told me the ending so I wouldn’t be surprised but turn to Him
for solace. He has not told me about my next beginning because He wants me to
trust Him. I have no idea what He has in store for me. I’m quite certain it won’t
be a crowded truck or a concentration camp, so surely it can’t be that bad. I
think, for now anyway, patience is the key. I have to wait for Him to tell me
what to begin and when. I am beginning to think that this could be an exciting
adventure!

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