Today has been a pretty big day for me, in a couple of ways, but one particularly: I am now 21 years old. (Please do not tell me that you thought I was so much older/younger/you can’t believe it. I already know, I promise. However, thank you for the sentiment.) Honestly, it brings up some frightening thoughts.
I was driving this afternoon, and for a few minutes I was thoroughly happy. Everything seemed like it was right. I finally felt like I was growing up and doing what I needed to do. But, as I started thinking more about this, I realized that I really have no idea what I am doing. What, exactly, is right? What does it mean to be growing up? What do I need to do? I am in college! I am legally allowed to intoxicate myself should I so choose! Don’t I have everything figured out?
No. I don’t. I am finishing the third year toward my education degree, but I still have no idea what I will actually do with it. I have dreams of writing books, but I have no idea when I will have time to write. I want to see the world and all that God has created, but I have no idea how to start moving.
I began to realize all of this as I was listening to the radio and the song “Outta My Mind” by Anthem Lights was playing. The lyrics that particularly stuck out to me said “Get me outta my mind and into Your heart/It’s not about me, it’s not about me” and “If anybody asks me what have I been up to/This is what I’m gonna say/I’ve been spending my time, outta my mind/And I’m really lovin’ livin’ this way.” Once again, I was hearing someone tell me that everything really was okay! I don’t need to have any idea what I will do with my life! Truly, this isn’t the first time have heard this, but today it finally began to make an impression.
God does have a will for my life, but it not to turn me into a teacher, author, or world explorer. God wants me to seek Him with all my heart. I may be 21 years old, but I am still naïve and immature. I don’t have answers to my questions, and God won’t give them to me until I have completely turned myself over to Him. This truly is a simple thought, but I forget it so often. I begin to see life as a game board. I am a pawn that must always move forward to the next destination. But God tells me that I am a lump of clay, always changing (Jeremiah 18:1-6). I cannot change myself or fulfill my life on my own – only God can do that.