I know that I have written about
change a lot, but I want to write about it again. There are so many things
changing in my life, so it’s pretty hard to escape the topic. Now, I have come
to the conclusion that many of these changes are mutually exclusive to my own
life.
Now, that last statement does not
make very much sense, so I will try to explain. The changes in my life are not
changes that I can control, and they are not necessarily even changes that are a
result of my own choices, but they are terrible changes. These are changes that
I am seeing in others – people whom I love. These are changes that I cannot
control. This is why I find these changes so terrifying. I am out of control.
I have always been a person who
wants to know what is happening. I want to know the big picture and then the
details. Then, I want to be able to use those details to achieve the best
results. I can’t do that in these situations. They are entirely out of my hands.
Certainly, what I do may impact the decisions of other people, but I am not the
reason they made those decisions. In some ways, this realization is liberating.
Someone’s bad choice is not always my fault. I cannot blame myself for what
another person has done. However, I also do not have the ability to help
someone make a good decision, or what I believe to be a good decision. This
realization hurts. I want to take matters into my own hands and I can’t.
This is where I bring in the
faith lesson. For so many years I have prayed and asked God to help me trust
Him more. First of all, that’s not what I’m supposed to do, but considering that
I didn’t know what else to do, that is exactly what I did, obviously. Now, I
have come to a few difficult situations, and there is no way to trust in my own
knowledge and understanding to resolve any of them. The only thing I can do is
trust God. He wants me to let go of every worry and fear that I have and stop
shouldering the burden myself. So, all the burdens I now have are not even mine.
I can’t carry them, and I can’t worry about them. It’s terrifying. Of course, I
still have my own problems and choices that I can worry about, but they are not
the ones pressing for my attention. What I feel I need to worry about is not
actually for me to worry about. It is for me to pray and do nothing else.
